Half of the road!!

I don't know if you know it well, but when I say that I have had 3 chemotherapy therapies, I have actually had 6, because each time they apply chemo they are two different doses in one session: one strong and the second, super strong... because there are two types of cells mixed.

That was part of what had me so worried and what keeps me busy today: I really am getting more and more information about the importance of taking care of myself, from my doctor, from the nurse… from regulating physical activity with rest, but above all the fact that my defenses are very low after each double chemo session and what for some people could imply a simple illness to face like a flu, or even having a small skin infection or anything like that: it exposes me to getting very ill, ending up in the hospital and changing the program of my chemo treatments, making me run an unnecessary risk… And even with this information, it is about living my life without fear dominating my days but managing myself with the appropriate responsibility so that everything goes as well as it is now.

I just had a personal difficulty that made me think:

How easy it is for the people around me, my close circle, friends with whom I live, who in one way or another have had to live “a version of Vane” different from the one they usually confuse with the resilience capacity that my body has, that I see myself apparently strong, because yes, in part yes… but there is also the reality of the fact that she is vulnerable and the care is not only in the physical environment, but also in the emotional.

One of the things that is easier to understand is when a person is in a hospital… The truth is that the stereotype of being in the hospital means vulnerability, care, care that the nurses, doctors and facilities take charge of or are in charge of carrying out, so that the patient focuses on healing, there are really few occasions when you receive visitors and they end up fighting, or have an argument with you because you are not clear-headed or, they think that you use the illness as an excuse: everything is understood much more clearly and empathy comes much more naturally, because it is an environment that allows you to understand it, in addition to the fact that as a patient, you follow the instructions in a clear, simple way.

In this experience, I have had to face a lot of misunderstanding of all the care required to protect my body from the sun, from any unnecessary infection, from not altering the emotional state (which in itself is unstable due to the same mix of chemo with induced menopause), the energy that it takes my body to move in a state of post-chemo cellular repair and the double mental cloudiness that chemotherapy brings, heightened by the lack of hormones in my brain…

It is complex to be able to express the series of internal challenges, all the battles in an internal world where you are fighting between the hyper-alert state of care, with the balance of trying not to be in a hyper-protected state, while at the same time going out, walking, exercising, socializing, being constantly misunderstood, that this generates chaos in the social, that there are people who judge you superficially -even the people who love you- because it is extremely difficult to understand or empathize with someone who is really having a hard time regulating all this and who is also facing not only the difficulties of the diagnosis, the effects of the treatment, of the surgeries, but also with the economic complexities, of life itself, of wanting to lead a life as normal as possible and that the crisis of chaos, fears and hundreds of things that all this triggers and all the changes it brings... must be managed: no matter what!

Wow, this time I saw my doctor, she told me something very clear (which my therapist confirmed): Because of all the accumulation of what your body is facing, being in a new body, part of not having hormones, it affects your brain and what you describe as crises, are a kind of anxiety attacks because you are experiencing too many changes, a toxic treatment, you are still restoring the surgeries, etc. It is normal that you feel confused and that you suddenly have fears of things that did not matter to you before, that you begin to live differently and that little by little you build a version close but different from the one that you still knew of yourself a few months ago.

Sometimes I feel that the lack of empathy is very hard, it is super complex for a person who likes to live in peace, to be able to live in peace under the yoke of the confusion that some people have with complacency, they have told me that I am selfish, that I use illness as an excuse, I have come home to rest and I have had to leave it to be fixed, even so, they tell me that I exaggerate in my reactions… I see that there are people who understand that favors, permissions become obligations and in the worst moments, I have had to face insults, judgments, fights, for my safety, to avoid taking risks, but there are those who prefer to attack rather than empathize… I can't do more, just see it, separate who I am and let everything take its course. Or, act so as not to be hurt by something that could have been prevented, so that intransigence does not win.

As human beings, we can be very cruel, in moments where the other is even more vulnerable, I don't know what happens… but simply: it happens.

Today I carry that pain in my chest, but I know that it is part of what exists and nothing and no one is able to erase it in the world, we simply have to find the strength within ourselves to be able to bear those attitudes when they are directed at us, by people we love -yes, it hurts more- however it is also to distinguish that although we love people, each one acts according to their reflection, that what comes out of their mouth, comes more from within, speaking more about themselves than about us, or about me… we all have wounds and we want others to be responsible for healing them… and No!

Today I have had 3 sessions, 6 chemotherapies, I know that life will continue with or without everything I am facing, what I do know is that the people who love me, who I reciprocate, I know that there will be in me the capacity to understand, always… I am not perfect, nor is anyone… no one else will take care of me, nor has the responsibility to do so, however, how comforting it is to always have people who are present, who show themselves and accompany with their heart: That, I will always be grateful, because I cannot always do it alone, in addition to the fact that an honest hug heals the deepest wounds…

And I am going to add something here that does not have much to do with what I am sharing, but that in some way, may be:

Maybe you don't know it, but since I was a child, I have hated needles… my mother had to chase me several times to give me injections… hahaha… but what at the beginning was an “I don't like them”… it became a trauma, I think that time with the motorcycle accident, when they put me on the motorcycle… I went to the ambulance and they pricked my arms and legs, they put needles in as if I were a turkey: that time it was so painful, that added to what came after, to the series of times they have referred me again and again because they can't find a vein, they leave me with bruises and so on: IT'S OFFICIAL, I have a trauma with needles...

What helps me is not seeing how they put the needle in but breathing... because now, every month blood tests are necessary (and obviously the needle that goes in for the chemo)... but, it turns out that I also have to give myself an injection:

These are 3 that are applied as if it were insulin, but it burns and must be introduced little by little, not in one go.

Well, like at the beginning, I asked a nurse to come but she charged me a fortune, the oncology nurse taught me how to apply them myself… in fact, I asked her to teach me so that my mother could apply them (I thought: taking a video), but to my surprise, she said no, that she would teach me how to apply it myself!!!…

My eyes popped out, but I thought: it’s an opportunity to overcome my trauma…

So I followed the steps, but, when I inserted the needle: I couldn’t!!, and she told me, it’s a lot of money that you pay Vanessa, you can do it!!.. Hahaha… I breathed, exhaled and managed to insert it… I cried and hugged her: “thank you for helping me overcome my trauma”…

The truth: No, I haven’t gotten over it!!..

If I give myself the injection, I follow the step by step, but every time I have to insert the needle, I sweat, my heart races and even then sometimes I close my eyes so as not to see the needle go in… I put on meditation music, I breathe and try to control myself… but my heart keeps racing especially because it takes a while to insert the liquid that burns…

Today, I really started to think that this injection would give me super powers and the image of Leon-o came to my mind… it didn’t take long for me to shout “Thunder, Thunder, Thunder cat’s.. OHHHHHHH!!!….” and I laughed… hahahahaha… you will call me crazy, but the joke is to find a way to do it without prolonging the trauma…

And I think that is what my whole writing is about:

There are things that will happen, situations, people, crises in all forms that will present themselves to us and with different faces… It is up to us to find a way to make it different even if it is difficult or traumatic, even if the difficulty or trauma is not erased, not to hold back, there are situations that simply have to be overcome and at least we can find a way to turn it around… in the end, we have to do it, we have to live it, we have to give ourselves the opportunity to be humble and know that we are not perfect, but capable.

I hug you with my heart and I thank you for being here.

I love you!

Vane